


Bathtub talks

by Kanzi



Category: Loriot - Fandom, Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bathing/Washing, Bathtubs, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Humor, Loriot, M/M, Stubborn Stiles Stilinski
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-16
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27035461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kanzi/pseuds/Kanzi
Summary: The famous Loriot sketch with Teen Wolf characters, although I don't think you have to know eiter to enjoy this.orStiles accidentally gets into a stranger's bathtub and then both of them are determined to style it out.
Relationships: Derek Hale/Stiles Stilinski
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Bathtub talks

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kitsunequeen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsunequeen/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Derek Hale's Guide to Proper Train Etiquette](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4399997) by [kitsunequeen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kitsunequeen/pseuds/kitsunequeen). 



> So. Fanfiction again, huh? I was just reading kitsunequeen's brilliant work when I thought that it somehow reminded me of a sketch by the German comedy writer Loriot.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDQaP9bbf_o&feature=emb_title <-here for you to see if you're interested but you don't have to.  
> Not the setting, but the atmosphere. Then I got a flash of Derek shouting "The duck stays outside!" and decided I had to write it at +squints+ 3 in the morning.
> 
> I basically just translated the sketch and wrote Stiles' perspective around it. Very few adjustments of the original were necessary.

The bathroom Stiles was sitting in was blue, very blue. Blue were the walls, the tub, ~~with a blue little window~~ scratch that, there were no windows but now he had that awful song stuck in his head. „I don't want to seem impolite, but I'd like to be alone now“, he said for the benefit of the other occupant of the room.

„Who are you anyway?“ the guy growled and folded his arms. It made his biceps bulge impressively under his shirt.

„My name is Stiles Stilinski“, Stiles answered, still refusing to maintain anything but absolute politeness and the illusion that this whole bathtub-situation was completely normal.

“Hale. Derek Hale.” It seemed like two could play at that game. No shaking of hands, but they exchanged their “nice-to-meet-you”s like Stiles mother had taught him when he was a kid meeting strangers. She'd be proud of him. Probably. Maybe not in this exact moment?

“Can you tell me why you're sitting in my bathtub?” Hale asked with a smile that was somehow very suggestive of sharp teeth.

Stiles looked down as if surprised to find that he was naked in another man's tub. “I had been playing table tennis and then I went into the wrong room. The hotel layout is a bit confusing.”

“But now you know that you're sitting in a bathtub that's not your own and you still keep bathing.” The man raised one of his superb eyebrows as if this was a question. It was not a question. Questions had question marks at the end.

“You can't call this bathing since there is no water in this tub”, Stiles complained instead.

“When I came in here you were sitting in warm water.” - “But then you drained it!” He was not going to give in and admit that he was in the wrong here, damn it. Even if the other guy's eye twitched angrily like that.

Something seemed to snap in the older man and he started to strip with sharp movements. “Because you drew the bath, Stilinski. In my tub I'm accustomed to draw the water myself”. When he was finished, he plonked his naked ass right across from Stiles into the bathtub. Say something, the younger one thought desperately, don't just stare dumbly and for god's sake  _don't look down_ !

“Well, you could draw it now?”, he squeaked. 

Hale answered cooly: “I draw my bath when I deem it's the right moment.” - “Sure, of course.” He reminded Stiles of one of those wild African hunting dogs with their strict social hierarchy. The young man could just imagine him barking “I'm the alpha-dog! Nobody eats until I say so!”.

He shifted a bit in the bathtub.

The silence stretched.

He started whistling obnoxiously.

Still, silence.

He laid his elbow on the edge of the tub and remarked: “It's a bit chilly, sitting like this in the tub.”

“Sometimes I like sitting in the tub without water.”

“Oh.” Stiles tried to keep all judgement from his voice, but his inflection didn't seem to pass unnoticed.

“What do you mean, - Oh?” his opposite snarled.

Stiles lifted his hands calmingly. “You said you liked sitting in the tub without water and I said -Oh.”

“I see.”

“I could also have said -I see!”, Stiles continued, “but I wanted to express my astonishment over your preference to sit in a tub without water in it.”

“Stiles Stilinski”, the other man leaned menacingly forward into Stiles' space, “I am a werewolf and an alpha and I'm not accountable to you in my bathtub!”

Shitshitshit that explained so much. The younger man's heart lurched in his chest and double shit, if that guy was a werewolf he could hear that, right? “No, no!”, he babbled.

“I decide myself whether I bathe with water or without.” The predatory smirk was back.

“Yes, yes”, oh god he was going to get eaten. Say something to distract him, quick, Stiles! But the other was already continuing: “Anyway, I only said-” 

“Mister, ah, Hale-”, Stiles interrupted him.

“Let me finish”, the werewolf said, leaning back. “I said that I, if the situation warranted it, would be capable of taking a bath without water.”

“Yes, okay.” “And the decision about taking my bath with or without water will be made by no one else but me.” The human shook his head. “Not even by you, Stiles.”

Is he trying to eat me, fuck me, or fuck with me? Stiles absolutely wasn't sure any more. Lacking better ideas, he mulishly continued the path that had led him here. “Mr.-- Derek”, he corrected himself, “wouldn't it be possible that there were certain arguments for drawing the water now?”

“And how would you know?”

“By God, it's not like I'm bathing for the first time either.”

“So?”

“In my experience”, Stiles said confidently, getting back into the groove, “a warm bath in a bathtub with water is more practical than without.”

“That's your personal opinion, Stiles”, Derek mumbled, laying back and closing his eyes. “But I'm allowed to differ”.

“Is that so?”

“You can't afford to have your own opinion in my bathtub”, he snapped.

“Derek Hale!” Stiles surged up, shaking with rage (and possibly cold by now).

“Stiles Stilinski!” The werewolf seemed angry as well, but then looked at him and backed down. “I'll draw the water now if you ask me politely.” 

“Please.” Stiles enunciated. Mother would be proud.

“Politely”, Derek insisted.

“Politely”, the other one said. He wasn't getting more than that. Seeming to sense that, Derek sat down first, mumbling “Much better” and turned on the taps.

A while later the werewolf was laying back down again. He heard the tap squeak. “What are you doing?”, he growled.

“I'm drawing a bit more cool water.”

“That's very nice of you, but I'd like a dash more of the hot water.” He did so.

“If I may add just one iota of the cool...”

“That was a tad too much.” More squeaking. “I think a couple more drops of the hot water and we could come to an arrangement. Is this okay?” Derek asked.

“Oh, yes. Thank you.” The younger man turned around and reached for something outside the bathtub.

“The duck stays outside”, Derek declared when he saw what it was.

“Derek!”

“The duck stays outside!”, he repeated.

“Derek Hale, I always bathe with this rubber duck.”

“Not with me.”

“I've just got to know you today!” And what an acquaintance it was, but if he thought he could part Stiles and his ducky, he had another thing coming.

“If you let the duck in, I'll let the water out.”

“Those must be the extortion methods of your gangster pack!”

“Stiles Stilinski!” - “Derek Hale!” The alpha's eyes flashed red, but Stiles did no longer let himself be intimidated. “So, what now?”, he asked cockily.

“I'll drain the water if you're letting the duck in.” his opposite threatened again.

“I will take my duck in.”

  
  


„Where is the plug?“ Stiles felt the man's hands brush his ankle searching for the aforementioned plug.

  
  


„You're sitting on it. Did you know that many people don't even own a bath?“, he asked pointedly.

  
  


„So you are a socialist as well?“ Stiles splashed the werewolf for that. “My god, then take the duck in”, Derek finally relented.

  
  


“No, my duck will not share this water with you.” Now it was Stiles' turn to be stubborn.

  
  


“You will launch the duck right now!” - “No way!” - “Then I will go underwater until you let the duck in”, the werewolf threatened.

  
  


“Be my guest...” Stiles waved. Derek took a deep breath and slid down until his head was under the water.

  
  


And stayed there.

  
  


For a long time.

  
  


Surely even werewolves had to come up to breathe sometime? “Derek? Can you hear me? If you don't come up right now I'm leaving the tub.” He kneeled and tried to pull the man up by his shoulders, but then he slipped and fell right on top of him, elbowing him in the ribs. Derek came up spluttering and clinging to him. When he had caught his breath, he grinned triumphantly and said: “What do you say now?”

  
  


“Everybody can hold their breath”, Stiles answered before his treacherous brain said to him that he was now naked and pressed head to toe to a hot, wet werewolf.

  
  


“But I can do it longer”, said werewolf announced smugly, a statement which kicked Stiles brain once and for all into the gutter.

  
  


“Th-there are more important things in life”, he stuttered out.

  
  


“Like what?” - “Honesty, tolerance...” Derek rolled his eyes but agreed, “...courage, decency...” - “Yes, yes.” - “...helpfulness, efficiency, toughness...” the werewolf looked at him but Stiles kept going. “Cleanliness...” What was he even saying any more? And this guy's eyes looked amazingly pretty.

  
  


“But I can do it longer”, Derek rumbled with a shit-eating grin on his face.

  
  


“It comes down to character” Stiles' mouth said, while his brain noted that Derek was still holding him close, possibly making innuendos and being generally very attractive.

  
  


“But I can do it longer than you.” - “And I don't believe that” - “Then we'll do it together.”

  
  


Stiles couldn't take any more. He flopped forward and planted his mouth on Derek's and then all bets were off, seeing who could hold their breath the longest. Or something.

  
  


And just then a voice came from the doorway: “Is anybody there? Excuse me, is this room number 107?”

**Author's Note:**

> You can write in the comments who you think the poor bastard walking in on this is. My personal favourite is Stiles' father, having the same bad sense of direction as his son


End file.
